how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
