he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
