I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
