hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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