Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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