The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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