whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
