she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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