Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize