I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
