You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
