i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
