I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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