also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
