Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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