Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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