If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
