Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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