He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
