I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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