Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize