i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
