I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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