Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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