Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
