I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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