update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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