i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
