I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
