She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
