I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
