Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
