there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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