you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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