I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
