One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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