drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
