Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
