she woke up with a sticky ear
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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