I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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