There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
