dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
