see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
