I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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