So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
