Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
