Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
