Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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