Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
