I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
