i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
