haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
