I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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