Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
