ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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