Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
