I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
