dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
