I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
We have so much sex to catch up on
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
