He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
